So – it is currently 12:33am. On the night of Tuesday 12th September. Well technically it is the morning of Wednesday 13th September. But whatever.
I was in bed until about 3 mins ago – and now I am sitting in my little office /spare room, typing ferociously at my laptop (which is currently on 18% and I have no idea where my charger is – probably in the bottom of a handbag but no idea which one to look in and it is now 12:36am so I am not about to start hunting for it; so it better just stay alive whilst I write this post). I am currently freezing my ass off (even in my dressing gown – what is this temperature September?!) whilst my boyfriend is trying to sleep in our bedroom next door, of our new flat.
The reason I just dramatically and stroppily flung myself out of bed at around 12:29am is because I am feeling utterly and completely…. well I don’t actually know how I feel – there isn’t an accurate word for this ‘miserable feeling of panic, stress, meltdown, anxiety, over sensitive whilst also completely numb, about to burst into tears, don’t really know what I am doing with my life’ vibe that I have going on. And I need to change that. And I have had an idea.
17% – 12:41am.
A bit of back story of how we got to this point in time. I had had a lovely evening – got in from a great day which finished with Afternoon Tea at the Ritz (what a dream), had a shower, chilled out with the boyf on the sofa, in our new flat (which I LOVE), watched The Great British Bake Off, drank some tea, got ready for bed, watched the trailer for the new iPhone X ( how… and also why.. do we live in a world where a phone costs more than a standard laptop?!?), did my skincare routine, brushed my teeth (which my boyfriend had put the toothpaste on the toothbrush for me). Perfect. Happy. Normal evening.
And then the meltdown happened.
Be prepared for the most utterly honest post – full of petty petty petty things that have amounted to this post being written.
It all started when I STUPIDLY checked my Instagram when I was setting my alarm for the next morning.
And I saw that the photo I had uploaded at 7:30 had pretty much died. My reach on that photo was shocking. Barely 1% of my following saw my photo. Why? Why is this happening that Instagram just doesn’t put my photo on peoples newsfeeds whilst others are at the top of everyones 4 days after they post it. I got all panicky and stressed and felt like crying. I know it is stupid. And I know that for 99.8% of the population this seems like the most pathetic thing in the entire world. But that is because it isn’t their full time job. If they have a bad day at work – it isn’t published on an app for anyone to click on and go “Oh they didn’t do very well today did they”…
But I get this feeling of pure panic that every other blogger is looking at my instagram and going – hahahahahhahaahaha she is doing so badly – I am doing better than her – I feel much better about myself now. Silly isn’t it.
I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think. And I know that within the blogger/influencer world, SO SO many people are feeling the effects of the new algorithm and I sympathise with them so much. It is happening to so many of us. Engagement is dropping, followers are disappearing in front of our eyes. And, to put it bluntly – although my mother always tells me never to swear on my blog (but today it is super necessary) – it is really fucking shit.
I am also totally aware of how boring it is to read people complaining about things like this. But people tweeet all the time saying they had a bad day at work – or they hate working in retail or their boss is a twat. But yet a lot of people are complaining about the the people that are complaining about their engagement. My twitter feed is full of 50% people crying over their Instagram – and 50% of people telling those people to stop crying and man up.
But this is peoples jobs and something that people spend hours and hours working on, and for one reason or another, sometimes Instagram just does not show your work and effort to the people that are following you to see it. And it really, really sucks.
I totally understand the need to express their pure frustration at something that is not in their control. And I totally understand why it is annoying to read people constantly complaining. Of course it is annoying. Everyone knows that Instagram is just an app and their are way more important things in life *insert gif of Kourtney saying “there are people are dying” to Kim, when she is crying about losing her diamond earring* but it is still people’s jobs and to watch hard work just disappear into some shitty algorithm is so annoying.
Anyway – I got side tracked on a rant. Back to the meltdown.
After I saw that my engagement and reach were abysmal – I then even more STUPIDLY checked my follower count. why did I do this to myself. I had lost 8 followers in the past hour. Which left me on 49,800 on the dot. Which meant that I would almost 100% lose another follower (as I hadn’t gained any in the past hour) and I would go down from 49.8k to 49.7k. No big deal right? No one would notice? Nobody cares. LITERALLY NO ONE CARES.
Oh, but I care so much. It means over the course of the day I have lost over 30-40 followers. And I hate that. I feel like I am failing every single day. And that is a horrible way to live.
(By the way – I am so stressed about going under that I have actually got my phone the other side of the room, upside down – just so I CANT check it)
I know it doesn’t matter if I lose followers. Trust me, you don’t need to tell me this is so stupid. I get it. But I was suddenly clammy af, SO close to bursting into tears just because I knew that if I refreshed my Instagram, I would have dropped down another point.
I got into such a state, and my poor boyfriend had to sit there telling me it doesn’t matter (which doesn’t help) and that there is nothing I can do about it, so just go to sleep and use my time to be more productive tomorrow rather than stressing over an app at midnight. But I just couldn’t put it down. I was literally waiting for it to go under – and I genuinely felt sick. What a waste of life and energy which I didn’t have.
And then I was feeling sorry for myself with the whole “but whyyyy are people unfollowing meeeeee – I don’t understanddddddd” and he said “ok but lets think about it – what are people getting from your blog and your Instagram. What reason have you got for them to stay? Yeah – you have nice photos – but what else? You don’t blog regularly, your instagram is just photos of outfits but no real personality. No one really knows how weird and funny you are – your personality isn’t there – noone knows you so why would people follow you.”
I honestly could have thrown the glass of water that was next to my bed at him – but that would mean that my pillow would have probably got soggy as well. So I spared him.
But the reason it made me so angry is because he is completely right. There is nothing to keep anyone following me. How am I unique for every other influencer out there? I am not. Right now, I am so so basic. I buy clothes – I take photos in them. I post them to Instagram – sometimes in nice travel locations. And then what? I frantically refresh my photo waiting for some kind of validation or just praying it gets over 1000 likes so I can breathe that it has done well. And then when it doesn’t – feel physically sick that I am failing at the one thing I like to do.
Meanwhile 100 other girls are uploading the exact same jumper from the exact same high street shop, with the exact same style of half witty caption. And they are getting more likes and more followers than me. So I just want to give up.
But what he said (his name is Alex by the way for people who don’t know – why would you seeing as I NEVER BLOG ANYMORE), just highlighted every single fear that I have about this job – that I am not good enough or different or unique or interesting. I don’t go to the best locations, I don’t have the best dress sense, the best make up, the best ideas. And this is just Instagram we are talking about – not to mention to huge mess I have made of my blog. Where I don’t blog enough – my writing isn’t the best you will read, my content isn’t the most exciting you will see. Not even close. I don’t feel like anyone knows me – and I don’t know who is reading this blog?
11% 1:11am (ooooohhhhhhh freaky) (maybe I should start looking for my charger? nah cba) (oh crap – 10%)
I describe myself as a blogger. But realistically all my energy and life goes into Instagram. An app I have no control over. So I don’t have any right to call myself a blogger currently.
The past year – I let my blog die slowly. For hundreds of different reasons – personal reasons, family reasons, fear of failure if I gave it 100% and it didn’t work out…. I didn’t put my blog first. I didn’t dedicate the hours it needed.
And I want this to change.
But the main thing I want to change is my attitude towards life. I have got so consumed in this Instagram world of total dread that I have become miserable every. single. day.
And for why? What is the point. I want to go back to why I started doing this job – because I absolutely LOVED it. Now I really don’t like it.
I want to be so happy and I want to share my life on the internet.
I have an incredible life. I am unbelievably fortunate. I have had every single opportunity you could get to set yourself up for a great life. And I am letting everything slip away – and taking everything in my life for granted. Life doesn’t owe me anything, as Alex tells me all the time. I need to stop being so scared and panicked about not being good enough – and risk it for the biscuit. Try and fail and try again. My life is so great -even for the things you don’t appreicate everyday. Such as – I have two parents, who support me and love me. I know I always have a place to go if I ever needed help. They like my photos. I have a grandmother who loves and suppports me. Who wanted me to be comfortable and happy in my new flat, so offered to help to buy us a sofa, so I have somewhere to sit every night in my new life. Things like that you don’t REALLY TRULY appreciate how lucky you are. Thousands of people don’t get the family unit that I have. I mean don’t get me wrong – my family is one of the most dysfunctional families out there – but I am beyond grateful for each member.
7% 1:23am (I am going to have to find my charger – I finally just got warm and now I am going to have to move)
I have two sisters. Who are my world. I have very different relationships with both of them. I treasure my relationships with them so much – along with the rest of my family. They all drive me insane every day but they are my entire world.
I am unbelievably close to my baby sister. Nothing is too far or too personal. She is literally my other half. I actually do not know what I would do without her. She is literally the Piglet to my Pooh.
My relationship with my middle sister is the best it has been since I was 8. We grew apart – drastically – for years. We didn’t understand each other. But age and time has brought us back together and I think we both really appreciate having each other in our lives. I certainly do. We do a lot more together now, we spend real time together, doing sistertly things that a few years ago would have felt alien. It makes me so happy every time we text each other and it is not just demanding who had stolen what from each other.
15% 1:33am (found charger – was in 2nd bag I checked – winning)
Anyway – I need to appreciate my life. I went to a great school, I went to university, I have great friends – (I am the happiest I have ever been with the people who I have in my life currently) – I live in an amazing flat, doing a job that I love (although everything above proves otherwise).
And I have the most amazing boyfriend in the entire world. Genuinely – the nicest human that ever existed. I don’t deserve him, as I am a neurotic, angry, grumpy, stress ball of misery so often, and he is literally the most positive, happy, efficient, friendly, loving, caring person. Hopefully opposites attract for a long time.
But what I am saying is, in summary, two things
- I need to reassess how I run my blog and Instagram.
- I need to reassess how I look at life.
So – at 1:38am – I have decided that it is all change on the here. I know that I need to stop complaining and stressing about Instagram – it is an app that is out of my control. I need to pour my heart and soul back into my blog. I have been sitting here writing for an hour and it has felt like pure therapy.
I just don’t know where to start. Or what to write about. I am worried that everything is boring. So I am going to start with a very small little project which I will tell you about in a few sentences time.
I will always keep posting on Instagram realistically. I am not going to just give up – so I just need to toughen up. If I loose 1000 followers – fine. Great. See ya. If my photos get 400 likes – fine – there is NOTHING I can do about it. I will stop comparing myself to others and just post images I like, for me.
But the main thing is – I don’t want to constantly feel miserable. I feel sick and panicky every single day. Every single day.
I sometimes feel like I can’t breathe because I am so stressed. I just want to get back into bed and stay there all day. When my alarm goes off – I always snooze it unless I have a meeting that I will be late for because I just don’t want to get up and feel like I’m drowning again.
I want to be happy and feel fulfilled rather than feeling so numb. I want to enjoy every single moment of my life because it is amazing. I want to look back at my 20’s which are over half gone (holy shit) and be like AHH BEST TIME OF MY LIFE. Because I don’t think I have head the best time of my life yet. I know it is to come and that is so exciting.
I want to be able to sit on the sofa with Alex, and not constantly have to refresh my news feeds. I want to not care if my photo fails.
So I have decided that one way to get myself back into blogging regularly and sweeping away the cobwebs of this little section of the internet that I am going to type up, into a little post, every weekday, “5 things that have made me happy that day”.
This can be anything such as ‘saw a dog today’ (always makes me happy) to ‘had the perfect cup of tea’ to ‘got an exciting work opportunity’ to ‘found a eyeliner that doesn’t make me look like Cleopatra”.
I want this to be a place that people come and visit for find happiness. And I want my blog to stop feeling like a scary job that I am failing at – and more as a place that is filled with amazing happy feelings.
I am fully aware that some days I will have really rubbish days. Maybe some days I won’t have 5 things that make me happy. But hopefully I will. And for the bad days – even if I have one happy thing – I will write it here and celebrate that one thing.
So lets start today.
My first day of my little happiness project.
What shall we call it?
5 things that made me happy today?
5 little happy things? 5 happinesses a day? I don’t know – we can work on it. All suggestions welcome.
So 5x a week, I will post about the 5 things that make me happy.
And I really really hope that this makes me feel better – every night. Going through my day and picking out the best bits 🙂
OK SO lets start today with 5 things that made me happy (this will have to be from yesterday as this actual day has only been in play for 1:50mins)
Five things that made me happy today:
- I watched the Great British Bake Off with a cup of tea, a crumpet, and Alex and it was lovely….oh my god this is actually quite hard right thinking of things…
- I met two new blogging girls that I got on really well with at an event today. I love that I am constantly meeting new people and how great 90% of the people I meet are!
- I learnt how to cook fish in so many different ways from an event with Iceland, which was amazing, and it completely surprised me how much fun I had at the event (that I had been stressing out about and half dreading all week).
- My skin is looking ok at the moment – I am really liking the product that I am currently wearing – think it is by Cloud 10 – just an over night mask.
- I feel like I have started a new chapter of my life – right now. And I am so excited by it.
So there we go. I can’t wait to start this little project for myself – and I hope that I pick up a few readers who are looking for little bits of happiness along the way.
It is now 2:25am. Laptop is now on 67% and is heated up so much that is is burning my legs through the blanket.
I have no idea if anyone will ever read this- but if you are as low as me right now – I send you huge hugs.
I am now going to go and get back into bed and try and sleep.
I am already looking forward to posting my post tomorrow.
Sleep tight! x
P.S. I have just gone under to 49.7k. But that is ok. See you tomorrow! xx
(photos from Pinterest)